The Reports Everyone Dreads
Every TUOHK student knows the dread of landing on a Tuee Report square. The music kicks in, the app pauses, and your academic fate hangs in the balance.
Some reports lift you up. Others send you spiralling into the kind of despair usually reserved for lost library books and empty coffee machines.
Here are the Top 5 Most Brutal Tuee Reports ever to hit the halls of The University of Hard Knocks — and exactly how to survive them.
1. "Your Thesis Was Found Plagiarised… By Your Future Self."
Penalty: Lose two degrees immediately and question everything you know about time management.
- Do not argue with the app. It already knows.
- Blame the multiverse — it's technically defensible.
- Rebuild your reputation one correct answer at a time.
2. "You've Been Reassigned to the Faculty of Interpretive Dance."
Penalty: Return to the Hub, re-roll your dice, and hope nobody saw your performance.
- Confidence counts as extra credit at TUOHK.
- If questioned, describe it as "embodied learning."
- Mrs. Tuee will still be judging. She always is.
3. "Dean's Audit: All Students Must Re-Sit Their Exams."
Penalty: Everyone loses one degree. Friendships crumble. The table goes quiet.
- Laugh. Misery loves academic company.
- This is not the time to point fingers.
- The Dean is unmoved by protests. Trust us.
4. "Your Experiment Exploded (Spectacularly)."
Penalty: Miss a turn while your eyebrows grow back.
- Brag about it — the Tuees still talk about the 2007 Bunsen Burner Incident.
- Document everything. This is TUOHK history in the making.
- Safety goggles are always worth it in hindsight.
5. "Your Funding Has Been Suspended Pending Review."
Penalty: Return all your degrees to the table. Every single one.
- Write a heartfelt plea to Mrs. Tuee and hope for leniency.
- Alternatively, roll a six and pretend it never happened.
- This is the one that ends friendships. You've been warned.
How to Survive Any Tuee Report
The trick is to play with grace — and a good sense of humour. TUOHK isn't just about winning; it's about enduring the unpredictable, laughing at your losses, and collecting stories to tell between rounds.
The next time you draw a Tuee Report, take a deep breath. You're not being punished — you're earning your education, one ridiculous plot twist at a time.